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The golden age of Sky Sports’ Premier League Years was the pinnacle of broadcasting.
No other show could or will be able to replicate that level of detail, that seamless weaving of historical context and results, that need to imagine every scenario in the style of Georgie Thompson’s narration.
But we’re going to give it a bloody good go anyway.
Here’s 90min’s review of 2023.
The world’s largest toad – nicknamed ‘Toadzilla’ – was discovered in Australia, while the world’s largest left-back – nicknamed ‘Big Dan Burn’ – managed to stifle Bukayo Saka enough to earn Newcastle United a 0-0 draw at Arsenal.
China loosened travel restrictions and opened their borders back up for the first time in three years. Manchester City’s defence followed suit in a late 2-1 loss at rivals Manchester United.
Prince Harry published a revealing memoir entitled ‘Spare’, but Liverpool’s frailties were displayed against their will in a humbling loss to Brighton & Hove Albion.
Michael Smith hit a nine-dart finish on way to first PDC world darts title at Alexandra Palace, while down the road at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, Arsenal ran out winners in the north London derby.
Jacinda Ardern stepped down from her role as prime minister of New Zealand, but Frank Lampard had to be forcibly removed from his post as Everton manager following a 2-0 loss at West Ham United.
Novak Djokovic won his record-equalling 22nd Grand Slam title at the Australian Open, and Arsenal fans must have thought they were on their way to their own title after their side left it late to beat Man Utd 3-2 at the Emirates Stadium.
Pharrell Williams was suitably appointed as menswear designer for Louis Vuitton to much acclaim, while Sean Dyche’s fitting arrival at Everton saw his relegation-threatened side beat league-leaders Arsenal in his first match.
LeBron James became the NBA’s all-time leading point scorer two days after Harry Kane broke Jimmy Greaves’ record as Tottenham’s all-time leading goal getter.
A Chinese surveillance balloon was shot down by US fighter jets, and Man City threatened to completely shoot down Arsenal’s title hopes with a pivotal 3-1 win at the Emirates Stadium.
NFL legend Tom Brady announced his retirement from the sport, and the Premier League also bid farewell to a great of the game – Southampton manager Nathan Jones, who was sacked after a series of poor results and strange outbursts.
US president Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Ukraine, while Loris Karius was in line for a surprise Newcastle appearance after Nick Pope’s daft red card in a 2-0 loss to Liverpool.
Lizzo’s ‘About Damn Time’ won the Grammy for Best Record, and Man Utd at long last won a trophy after a six-year wait with victory against Karius and Newcastle in the Carabao Cup final.
A six-year drought also came to an end for Tottenham (no, obviously not the trophy thing). Spurs chalked up their first win at home to Chelsea in N17 since January 2017 when head coach Antonio Conte was in the opposite dugout.
Xi Jinping was appointed to a historic third term as president of China, while Arsenal’s third goal in their stunning 3-2 comeback at home to Bournemouth would have proven historic had they gone on to win the Premier League.
Match Of The Day presenter Gary Lineker was controversially suspended by the BBC for his comments against the government’s immigration policies, leading to a boycott from several pundits. Man Utd’s defenders were presumably also on strike in their 7-0 hammering at Liverpool.
Protests and riots broke out in France after the government increased the age of retirement from 62 to 64, while Antonio Conte effectively protested and rioted his way out of the Tottenham job with an explosive press conference following a 3-3 draw at Southampton.
Retirement was not on the agenda for Roy Hodgson, who returned to Crystal Palace after Patrick Vieira’s departure.
James Corden made his final appearance hosting ‘The Late Late Show’, but he managed to get his old pal Frank Lampard his job back in charge of Chelsea following Graham Potter’s sacking.
‘Pele’ was added to the dictionary as an honour to the Brazilian legend, who would have been proud to have put in the performances of either Ebere Eze or Michael Olise in Crystal Palace’s 5-1 win at Leeds United.
A total solar eclipse was witnessed in Western Australia, and the light on Arsenal’s season was similarly threatening to go out after three damaging draws to Liverpool, West Ham and Southampton.
NASA announced a four-person team to orbit the moon over the next year, while Tottenham’s four-person leadership group issued an apology to fans after their 6-1 thumping by Newcastle.
India surpassed China as the world’s most populous country, while Man City effectively surpassed Arsenal in the title race with a 4-1 victory at the Etihad Stadium, putting them two points behind the Gunners but with two games in hand.
New York City appointed a first ever director of rat migration, and Richarlison must have felt like handing teammate and compatriot Lucas Moura over to those authorities when he gifted Liverpool the winner just seconds after he had helped Tottenham come from 3-0 down to draw level at 3-3.
Ed Sheeran was found not guilty of copying Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’, while Pep Guardiola, Mikel Arteta and Jurgen Klopp must have considered filed similar lawsuits against newly appointed Leeds boss Sam Allardyce after he claimed none of those managers knew more about football than him.
‘Here Comes The Sun’ became The Beatles’ first song to reach one billion streams on Spotify, but a Blue Moon was rising in Manchester as Erling Haaland smashed the record for most goals scored in a single Premier League season.
WHO declared Covid-19 as a global emergency was over, and Arsenal’s title bid also came to an end after dismal defeats to Brighton & Hove Albion and Nottingham Forest.
Beyonce kicked off her Renaissance world tour, and Brighton started preparing for a voyage of their own after securing a spot in Europe for the first time in the club’s history.
Eurovision was held in Liverpool, but the only euro-vision the Reds had was to the Europa League after a disappointing fifth-place finish.
Harrison Ford made his return as Indiana Jones, while Arsenal, Man Utd and Newcastle all sealed long-awaited spots back in the Champions League.
King Charles III was coronated at Westminster Abbey, and Man City were finally crowned the champions of England for a third successive season.
Esteemed TV show ‘Succession’ came to an end, as did Leicester City, Leeds and Southampton’s time in the Premier League, with all three relegated to the Championship.
It was a silver month for Rory McIlroy, who finished second to outsider Wyndham Clark at the US Open and his beloved Man Utd were beaten 2-1 by Man City in the FA Cup final.
Boris Johnson was found to have misled parliament over ‘Partygate’, while West Ham threw a not-so-secret party of their own after winning the Europa Conference League.
The Denver Nuggets were crowned NBA champions for the first time in their history shortly after Man City’s long quest to win their first ever Champions League was completed.
Meta launched Threads as a rival to X (or Twitter, to normal people), and Arsenal ramped up their rival title bid to Man City by beating them to the signing of Declan Rice.
The world’s first robot press conference took place in Switzerland, but there was nothing robotic about Ange Postecoglou at his first Tottenham press conference, with his genuine-authentic-normal-bloke reading off the scales.
Magnus Carlsen defeated teenager Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa to become the Chess Grandmaster, and apprentice Vincent Kompany was beaten by former superior Pep Guardiola on Burnley’s return to the Premier League, with the Clarets losing 3-0 to Man City at Turf Moor.
Russia made a return to space to the moon’s south pole, while Mauricio Pochettino came back to the Premier League with Chelsea, drawing 1-1 with Liverpool in his first match.
‘Barbie’ became Warner Bros’ highest-grossing global release, while Moises Caicedo became the most expensive player in British history when he made the £115m move from Brighton to Chelsea.
Robbie Williams continued his world tour, but also became a cult icon at Tottenham after his song ‘Angels’ became a chant for new boss Ange Postecoglou.
A computer model suggested humanity came close to extinction 900,000 years ago – a scenario which would have robbed the world of some Darwin ‘Darwizzy’ Nunez madness in ten-man Liverpool’s 2-1 comeback win at Newcastle.
The Writer’s Guild of America ended their strike after 148 days, but not in time to write a better script for Man Utd in their incredibly late 3-1 loss at Arsenal in which Alejandro Garnacho had an 89th-minute winner ruled out for a marginal offside before the Gunners scored twice in added time.
A stolen Vincent van Gogh painting was delivered to an art detective in an IKEA bag, while Sheffield United’s three points at Tottenham were stolen by the latest comeback in Premier League history.
Donald Trump was found guilty of fraud by New York attorney general, and similar accusations were out for Roberto De Zerbi when Brighton lost 6-1 at Aston Villa.
NASA’s probe into UFO sightings proved inconclusive. Some say the VAR from Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool must have been reviewing the footage after the Reds were denied an obvious goal.
The world’s heaviest pumpkin was recorded in Minnesota, weighing 2,749 pounds, while Brentford suffered a rather large halloween scare at Man Utd, losing 2-1 after leading heading into stoppage time.
South Africa won a record fourth Rugby Union World Cup, while Arsenal ended their abysmal record of 12 straight Premier League losses to Man City, beating the champions 1-0 at the Emirates Stadium.
Europe dominated the USA in the Ryder Cup to seal a memorable win, and Chelsea were heading to a similar victory against Arsenal until succumbing to a late collapse to draw 2-2.
Max Verstappen celebrated his third straight F1 title, and Brentford were able to celebrate a third straight win away at west London rivals Chelsea.
Lionel Messi’s footballing dominance continued with his eighth Ballon d’Or triumph, while Man City’s dominance of their hometown was extended with a 3-0 win at Man Utd.
‘AI’ was announced as the most notable word of the year, but Arsenal fans bemoaned that technology could not prove the ball had exited the field of play leading up to the deciding goal in their 1-0 loss at Newcastle.
David Cameron made shock return to government as Foreign Secretary, while Mauricio Pochettino’s return to Tottenham as Chelsea head coach ended with a shock 4-1 win.
Luis Diaz’s father was released by kidnappers days after he scored a last-gasp equaliser for Liverpool away at Luton Town.
An escaped circus lion roamed the streets of a seaside town in Italy for five hours before being recaptured, but Man City could not stop academy graduate Cole Palmer from roaming the Stamford Bridge at will during an enthralling 4-4 draw at Chelsea.
The Beatles charted their first number one in British charts with ‘Now and Then’, a record 54 years after their last single reached number one. The news was not so great for fellow Merseysiders in Everton, whose 69-year stay in the top flight came under threat when they were handed a ten-point deduction by the Premier League for FFP breaches.
KISS concluded their ‘End of the Road’ tour in New York City, while Paul Heckingbottom concluded his spell in charge of Sheffield United and became the first manager of the 2023/24 season to be sacked.
Jesse Darling won the Turner Prize for his sculpting work, but Man Utd received no plaudits for their statuesque defending in their 1-0 loss to Newcastle.
The European Court of Justice ruled it was unlawful of UEFA and FIFA to threaten sanctions against clubs and players wanting to join the European Super League, while Man City felt their was an injustice in their 3-3 draw to Tottenham after referee Simon Hooper denied Jack Grealish one last run in behind the Spurs backline.
A rise in popularity for roast duck saw cherry sauce sales rise, while the Cherries of the Premier League were fast becoming a hit too, with Andoni Iraola’s Bournemouth winning 3-0 away at Man Utd.
Claymation fans rejoiced when it was announced that Wallace & Gromit would be returning in 2024 with a new film, while Fulham ensured they would head into the new year in high spirits too with consecutive 5-0 wins in the Premier League and progression to the semi-finals of the Carabao Cup.
Taylor Swift was on top of the world after being named TIME’s Person of the Year, while Man City enjoyed their own global domination with victory at the Club World Cup.
There was little Christmas cheer at Villa Park when Aston Villa were denied the chance to go top of the Premier League table by Sheffield United.
But there was a Christmas cracker the following day at Anfield when title rivals Liverpool and Arsenal played out a 1-1 draw.
Alaska Airlines announced their surprise intention to purchase Hawaiian Airlines, but there was little surprise when Man Utd confirmed an agreement for INEOS to purchase a 25% stake in the club.
Sean Millis’ ‘Waiting On A Miracle’ rises up charts worldwide after drawing comparisons to Rasmus Hojlund, who finally scored a Premier League goal in Man Utd’s 3-2 comeback win against Aston Villa.
